Why Your Self-Confidence Training Is Probably Making Things Worse: Hard Truths From Someone Who's Seen It All

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Here's what nobody wants to tell you about confidence training: most of it's absolute rubbish.

I've been running leadership programs across Australia for the better part of two decades, and I've watched countless "confidence-building" workshops churn out people who are more confused about themselves than when they started. The problem isn't the intention - it's the execution. And frankly, it's the complete misunderstanding of what confidence actually means in a workplace context.

The Fake-It-Till-You-Make-It Myth

Let me share something that happened in Melbourne last month. A participant in one of our programs - let's call her Sarah - had been through three different confidence courses in the past year. Three! She walked into our session doing this bizarre power pose thing every five minutes and speaking in a voice that clearly wasn't hers. It was painful to watch.

Sarah had been taught that confidence was about projecting strength. Wrong. Confidence is about knowing your limitations and being comfortable with them. It's about saying "I don't know" when you don't know, and "I need help" when you need help. The moment I told Sarah this, she deflated with relief. Finally, someone was giving her permission to be human again.

This is exactly the kind of workplace anxiety issue that proper managing workplace anxiety training addresses - not by pretending problems don't exist, but by developing genuine coping strategies.

The Competence-Confidence Connection

Here's where I'm going to upset some people: you can't build genuine confidence without building competence first. All the affirmations in the world won't help you if you're genuinely not good at something yet. And that's okay!

I remember working with a team in Perth - brilliant people, but they'd been told by their previous trainer that believing in themselves was enough. Newsflash: believing you can fly doesn't mean you should jump off a building. These people needed skills training first, confidence training second.

The most confident people I know? They've failed. A lot. They've developed what I call "earned confidence" - the kind that comes from knowing you can handle whatever gets thrown at you because you've already survived worse.

The Australian Problem With Tall Poppy Syndrome

Now here's something that's uniquely challenging about confidence training in Australia - we have this cultural thing about cutting down anyone who gets too big for their boots. It's called tall poppy syndrome, and it's real.

I've seen participants leave confidence workshops pumped up, only to get shot down by colleagues who think they're "getting above themselves." The solution isn't to ignore this cultural reality - it's to teach people how to be confident within an Australian context.

This means learning to own your achievements without sounding like a wanker. It means knowing when to speak up and when to listen. It means understanding that in Australia, your mates will respect quiet competence over loud bragging every single time.

The Gender Divide Nobody Talks About

Let's address the elephant in the room. Confidence training affects men and women differently, and most programs completely ignore this fact.

Women often come to confidence training because they've been told they need to "speak up more" or "take up more space." But here's what I've observed after years of emotional intelligence training: women are often already confident - they're just expressing it differently.

Meanwhile, men often equate confidence with dominance, which leads to the kind of toxic workplace behaviour that makes everyone miserable. True confidence isn't about taking up all the oxygen in the room.

What Actually Works

So what does work? Three things, and they're not what you'd expect:

1. Micro-challenges, not macro-transformations

Forget the dramatic personality overhauls. Start small. Speak up once in a meeting where you normally wouldn't. Send one email you've been putting off. The brain builds confidence through evidence, not through wishful thinking.

2. Focus on contribution, not recognition

This one's controversial, but I stand by it: stop trying to get noticed and start trying to be useful. When you shift your focus from "how do I look?" to "how can I help?" confidence follows naturally. You stop being self-conscious because you're not thinking about yourself.

3. Embrace strategic vulnerability

This is where most confidence training gets it backwards. They teach you to hide your weaknesses. I teach people to strategically share them. When you admit you're not great at something, two things happen: people trust you more, and they're more likely to help you improve.

Actually, let me contradict myself for a moment. Sometimes fake-it-till-you-make-it does work - but only in very specific circumstances. Like when you're dealing with a genuinely unreasonable person who only responds to shows of strength. The key is knowing when to deploy it strategically, not wearing it like a costume every day.

The Training Industry's Dirty Secret

Here's something the training industry doesn't want you to know: most confidence issues aren't about confidence at all. They're about clarity.

People think they lack confidence when they actually lack direction. They don't know what they want, so they can't take decisive action. They don't understand their role, so they can't perform with certainty. They don't have clear feedback, so they second-guess everything.

I've seen this pattern dozens of times. Fix the clarity, and the confidence follows. But clarity work is harder to sell than confidence work because it's not as immediately gratifying.

The Brisbane Revelation

I'll never forget a session I ran in Brisbane about five years ago. Participant stood up and said, "I don't think I need more confidence. I think I need to stop caring what idiots think about me." Boom. That's it right there.

Sometimes the most confident thing you can do is accept that some people won't like you, won't understand you, or won't rate you. And that's their problem, not yours.

This connects directly to handling difficult workplace situations - something that conflict resolution training covers extensively, but confidence training often ignores.

The Measurement Problem

How do you measure confidence? Most programs can't answer this question, which should tell you something. They'll give you self-assessment surveys that are about as reliable as asking someone if they're attractive.

Real confidence shows up in behaviour: taking on appropriate challenges, setting boundaries, asking for help when needed, speaking truth to power when necessary. These are observable, measurable things.

Why Most Programs Fail

Most confidence training fails because it treats confidence like a switch you can flip rather than a skill you develop. It's like expecting someone to be a great swimmer after one lesson in the shallow end.

Confidence is context-specific too. You might be confident presenting to 200 people but completely lose your nerve in a one-on-one performance review. Good training acknowledges this. Bad training pretends one size fits all.

The Follow-Up Factor

Here's another industry failing: most confidence training is a one-and-done experience. You get pumped up for a day, maybe a week, then reality hits. Without ongoing support and practice opportunities, all that training becomes expensive wallpaper.

The best programs I've seen - and I'm biased because this is how we do it - include regular check-ins, peer support groups, and opportunities to practice new behaviours in safe environments.

Actually, there's something I got completely wrong early in my career. I used to think confidence was about eliminating fear. Turns out, it's about acting despite fear. Took me about three years and some very patient mentors to figure that one out.

The Real ROI of Confidence Training

When confidence training works - really works - the ROI is massive. People make better decisions. They have fewer regrets. They build stronger relationships. They take calculated risks that pay off.

But when it doesn't work, you get people walking around like budget motivational speakers, spouting empty affirmations while their actual problems remain unsolved.

Moving Forward

If you're considering confidence training - for yourself or your team - ask these questions:

• Does the program address specific workplace situations?
• Is there ongoing support beyond the initial training?
• Are the trainers willing to discuss failure as well as success?
• Does the content acknowledge cultural and individual differences?

If the answers are no, save your money and buy everyone a good book instead. Seriously.

Look, confidence training can work. I've seen it transform careers and lives. But only when it's done properly, with realistic expectations and genuine follow-through.

The confidence you want isn't the kind that comes from a weekend workshop. It's the kind that comes from years of showing up, doing the work, and gradually becoming someone you can rely on.

That's the only kind that lasts.